Beyond the psychological inquiry into dreams or the self-improvement techniques of affirmations lies the ancient and sacred practice of meditation.  Some form of meditation is practiced in every major world religion.  Yogis, Christian mystics, Zen Buddhists, Quakers, practitioners of the Kabbalah, and Secular Humanists, all experience the benefits of meditation.

If you want to meditate for twenty minutes, simply set the countdown timer for twenty minutes and begin your meditation.  When the countdown timer reaches zero and the bowl/gong is struck, you can choose to end there or continue your meditation for about three and a half minutes until the next bowl strike, or even longer.  Many meditators find that a “three and a half minute warning” is a perfect interval in which to gradually conclude their longer meditations.  The first strike signals the final phase of the meditation and the second strike its conclusion.  The beauty of the brass bowl/gong is that it complements rather than disturbs the meditative state while acting as an effective timer.  No matter how you use it, the sonic clarity of the brass bowl provides an appropriate conclusion to your stillness.

You caved — again. Now you’re stuck chairing the annual fund-raiser (or cat-sitting for your neighbor, or working late). What if you could turn down that request, that offer, that invite, and not feel so guilty about it afterward? Wouldn’t it be great if once, just once, you could stick to your guns and say no when you needed to most?

There are lots of reasons we struggle with “no.” Some feel bound by obligation or by fear of hurting someone’s feelings. Others believe they really can do it all (and hate to pass up the opportunity to try). But think about it: Almost every misplaced yes is really a no to yourself.

“When you can’t say no,” says negotiator William Ury, Ph.D., author of “The Power of a Positive No,” “you give up what’s essential to you in favor of what other people want.” You also put yourself on a fast track to a meltdown. “When you take on more than you can handle, you eventually burn out,” says Nanette Gartrell, M.D., author of My Answer Is No … If That’s Okay with You. “It’s not uncommon to develop exhaustion or even depression as a result.”

By asserting yourself in a considerate, confident way, says Ury, you can be selective about what you take on without jeopardizing friendships — a people-pleaser’s biggest fear. Try our five-step plan so that you can start saying no — and stop feeling guilty.

Five Steps to Saying No
1. Find Your Yes
Before you can even think about getting good at saying no, get clear on what to say yes to in life. If your yes is more time with your family, that will mean turning down obligations that keep you away from home. If it’s yes to better health, you’ll need to say no to late nights at work that keep you from the gym. The firmer your foundation and connection to your yes, says Ury, the less difficult it will be to say no. After all, you’ll be answering to a higher cause.

2. Buy Some Time
Whenever possible, don’t respond to a request on the spot. This keeps you from saying yes under pressure (“Um … sure I’ll host the baby shower”) or reacting emotionally to the request, especially when you’re feeling stressed out. “We can’t say no without getting a firm grip on our natural reactions and emotions,” says Ury — and that won’t happen unless you’ve taken the time to collect your thoughts.

To gain some perspective, Ury suggests getting some distance from the issue at hand physically and mentally for a few hours, or even a day. Figure out whose interests are at stake, what’s really being asked of you, and whether it makes sense to say yes. But be sure not to wait too long; leave the person hanging indefinitely, and you could damage a relationship.

3. Deliver Your No with Grace and Resolve
The moment of truth can be the most difficult of all, particularly when you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Ury suggests a “yes-no-yes” approach: First, share what you’re currently saying yes to (“My mother and I always go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings”). Then say no (“So I won’t be able to help you set up for the brunch you’re hosting”).

But don’t stop there. After you’ve turned someone down, affirm your good intentions by closing with another yes — this time, to a mutually positive outcome (“But I’d be happy to help clean up after it’s over”). In so doing, you relieve some of the frustration wrought by closing a door, while sending the message that you respect the other person’s needs.

For greater requests of your time — say, to serve on the town board or help a colleague launch her new business — be direct and to the point: You’re flattered but have decided to devote any free time to your children’s school instead. Avoid burdening the other person with unnecessary or elaborate excuses (such as how your mother moved away and can’t watch the kids). You run the risk of the other person trying to fix the situation (“Bring the kids, then!”). Plus, the more drawn-out the excuse, the less authentic it sounds — and, in the end, it’s really no one else’s business.

4. Have a Plan B
Even if the other person gets emotional or reactive after you’ve delivered your no, don’t yield under pressure — as difficult as this may seem. Instead, take a deep breath and listen attentively to his or her objections. Then, gently but firmly, underscore your no — and keep it simple and clean; no backpedaling or scrambling for defense.

What if your no is met with extreme resistance? Your in-laws insist that you spend the holidays at their home again; a colleague plays hardball in pressuring you into taking over a project. For this, Ury proposes having a Plan B. Think about what’s at stake (your time, resources, or respect) and be ready to pursue another path if your original no goes unheeded.

If your no fails to convince a pushy coworker that you can’t take on extra projects, for instance, plan to bring the conversation to a close and go to your boss with your concerns if necessary. If your sister has a habit of dropping the kids off unannounced (despite your protests that you have other pressing obligations), decide that next time she ignores your no, you will respectfully tell her you already have plans — and then leave the house. “The key here is not necessarily to leap to Plan B,” says Ury, “but to have it in mind so that, going in, you know you have alternatives.”

Note that while Plan B works wonders when it comes to isolated situations, it can also be incredibly helpful in addressing general patterns you fall into. Your Achilles’ heel might be lending money to friends and family (and forgetting to get repaid) or going weak when the nonprofit solicitors come knocking. Recognize these tendencies, and you’ll be more effective in lining up your own backup plan.

5. Cut Yourself Some Slack
Even with practice, some will always find saying no a challenge. For the dyed-in-the-wool people pleaser, there may be a twinge of guilt — and, for the overly ambitious, regret. Realize that your perennial inclination to offer help is something to be lauded, not criticized. “Be proud of the qualities that make it so hard to say no — thoughtfulness, empathy, compassion, generosity,” says Gartrell. “Without them, the infrastructure of our society would collapse.” Just bear in mind that by balancing your “pleaser” and “doer” tendencies with a commitment to your values, you’ll be stronger for it. Even better, you’ll be a more focused contributor to the people and things that matter most to you.

How to Say No
There’s more than one way to say it. Skip the excuses and opt for one of these suggestions from author William Ury.

“Not now.” This softens the blow and keeps the door open for another time.

“I have another commitment.” No other excuse required; you honor your commitments.

“Maybe I can help you find someone who can.” This shows respect and concern.

“I have a personal policy about …” And fill in the blank. By saying this, you put the focus on a prior commitment to yourself without opening the door for an argument (useful, say, when someone wants you to commit to working on Saturdays or give to a charity when you have a different one in mind).

“I don’t want to take on what I can’t fully commit to doing well.” This is a yes to higher standards.

adapted from Body + Soul, March 2008

 

It’s often hard to find the inspiration to get out of your nice, comfortable bed when you’re still so tired. But according to Kundalini yoga, a built-in supply of energy lies dormant at the root of the spine, like a bulb that rests underground, waiting for a cue to bloom. By accessing this vitality, you’ll have the charge you need to fire up your day — without having to resort to a double latte.

“When you awaken your Kundalini energy and get it flowing up your spine,” says Maya Fiennes, a London yoga teacher and star of the DVD “Kundalini Yoga to Detox and Destress,” “you become alert and uplifted instead of sluggish and stressed.” We worked with Fiennes to develop this series of simple moves that stretch and strengthen the spine, increase vitality, reduce tension, release impurities, and improve focus — everything you need to face what lies ahead.

Camel Ride (pictured)
Targets
The lower spine.

What It Does
Releases lower-back tension, opens the hips, stimulates the digestive and immune systems, and promotes mental focus. “When you flex the spine,” says Fiennes, “you flex the mind.”

How to Do It
Sit cross-legged on the floor with your hands resting on your ankles. Bring your ribs and chest forward, gently arching your back, as you inhale. Then move the rib cage backward and round your lower spine as you exhale. Keep your neck relaxed and your chin parallel to the ground. Continue doing this exercise in unison with your breath for about two minutes, set your zen timer to repeat every 2 minutes and repeat six times.

Sufi’s Circle
Targets
The middle spine.

What It Does
Creates more space in the torso and encourages the lungs to expand; further stimulates digestion; soothes the nervous system. “The spiral is a familiar pattern in nature,” says Fiennes. “It’s very calming to move this way.”

How to Do It
Inhale and rotate your ribs forward and to the right, then exhale as you continue back and to the left, drawing a big circle with your chin and rib cage. Your spine will arch slightly and then round throughout the exercise. Rest your hands on your knees, using them for leverage. After two minutes, reverse and repeat for two more minutes.

Spinal Twist
Targets
The upper spine.

What It Does
Promotes detoxification; stimulates the lymphatic system; encourages energy to flow throughout the spine.

How to Do It
Sit with your hands on your shoulders, elbows parallel to the ground, and shoulders relaxed. As you inhale, twist your torso, shoulders, and head to the right. Exhale and twist to the left. Alternate between the right and left sides, gradually increasing your pace. After a minute, make the “okay” symbol with your fingers and begin to slowly straighten your arms with each twist until they are straight above your head. To finish, bring your hands into a prayer position and feel the energy coursing along your spine.

adapted from Body + Soul, March 2008 by Kate Hanley

Now & Zen

1638 Pearl Street

Boulder, CO  80302

(800) 779-6383

Waking up in the idle of the night can be a pain — literally. New research from John’s Hopkins University shows that prolonged sleep disturbances may contribute to chronic pain, most likely by hindering the body’s natural pain-control functions. The study followed 32 healthy women for a week: For three nights, one group of participants was woken up every hour for eight hours, while the rest slept undisturbed. On the following days, women in the disrupted-sleep group experienced an increase in spontaneous pain.

If you do wake up during the night, help yourself swiftly return to dreamland by breathing deeply and counting each breath. “And don’t try to recover by consuming a lot of caffeine the next day,” urges sleep specialist and neurologist Dr. Sarah Zallek. “That’s just going to make you more likely to have another bad night of sleep.”

adapted from Body + Soul 2007

Now & Zen

1638 Pearl Street

Boulder, CO  80302

(800) 779-6383